(upbeat folk music) (lively classical music) (dog barking) (car tires squealing) (lively classical music continues) (stereo button clicks) (lively classical music stops) - Major?

- Oh.

Um, I'm looking for a Constable Macbeth?

- This is Constable Macbeth.

- Hello.

You must be Constable Patterson?

- (laughing) Oh.

Gosh.

I just wasn't quite sure to expect.

- (laughs) I do hope you're not too disappointed.

- Oh.

No.

(laughs) (dog barking) Absolutely not.

(laughs) - Good.

Fetch in Constable Patterson's bags, will you, John?

Or should I call you Anne?

- Oh, Anne would be super.

- Well, Hamish would be super, too.

Come inside and I'll show you the old billet.

- Right.

- Old billet?

You're gonna blow this, Macbeth.

- [Serena] Hello?

- Hello?

Where's Major Maclean?

- [Serena] Still asleep.

Jetlag most likely.

- That's a new name for it.

Didn't know you could get jetlag coming from Tenerife.

- A woman who speaks her mind.

- [Edie] That's right.

- This is all very plain.

- I've had no complaints from the Major.

- Perhaps I should lend a hand with the shopping in future.

- In future?

You're stopping for a while then?

- Oh, forever.

Perry and I are getting married, just as soon as it can be arranged.

(cloth billows) - [Barney] So, what's she like?

- Well, she seems a nice wee lassie.

A bit on the plain side for my taste.

- She seems pleasant enough to me.

I directed her to the police house.

- I can't wait to see the new model Hamish.

- Hey, how's that looking, John?

- I've got him looking like a tailor's dummy, Lachlan.

I've even given him a pipe, to lend an ear of gravitas, you know?

- A pipe?

You're winding us up!

- [John] Cross my heart.

- Ah, but what's in the pipe, John?

- Oh, don't you worry about that, Barney.

When that WPC finishes her week's training and writes up her notes on the experience, Constable Hamish Macbeth will shine from the pages.

There'll be no references to a policeman who's gone native.

- Or she'll be transferred out of here for his own good.

- Exactly, Lachie Jr. - [Barney] Ah, Professor Svensson, what can I do for you?

- My key I must leave to you, Mr. Meldrum.

- I'll take it.

- Oh, thank you.

So, a hiking I will go.

(all chuckling) - [Barney] Have a good day, Professor.

- [Professor Svensson] Thank you.

- [Lachie] So you've a professor staying at the hotel, Barney?

- Oh, yes.

And, hey, listen.

Do you know what he's professor of?

- [John] Well, it's certainly not English.

- He is professor of erotic studies at the Institute of Human Behavior, Stockholm.

- Erotic studies?

- [Barney] Can you imagine?

- [Lachie] Hmm.

(door knocking) - Are we decent?

- [Anne] Yes.

Do come in.

(door clunking) (Anne giggles) - Ah!

And, who might he be, I ask myself?

- Oh, this is Daddy.

(laughs) He's a commander in the force, as you can see, Hamish.

Oh, I admire him enormously.

In a world full of cynicism and increasingly lax attitudes, he strives to maintain the old values of discipline and respect.

- He's one of a dwindling band, then.

- Oh, but a band you so clearly belong to, Hamish.

- Tush-tush.

- Tell me, um, where will you sleep while I'm here?

- I thought I'd bunk down in the old cell.

I like a good firm mattress underneath me.

- Oh.

But this one feels so (sighing) soft.

(laughs) Oh.

I do hope I'm not putting you out?

- Good grief, look at the time.

Must be pushing on.

I'll wait for you outside, shall I?

Right?

(door slamming) Come.

Come here, come here.

- What's wrong?

- She fancies me.

- God, she's only been here five minutes, are you sure?

- I was lucky to get out of there with my pants on, plus her old man's a commander in the force.

- Well, hell hath no fury like a commander's daughter scorned.

God knows what she'll put in that report if you don't put a grin on her face.

- That is the most immoral thing I've ever heard.

Anyway, it's no' me she fancies, it's this plonker, I'm supposed to be.

- Immoral?

Since when did you let stuff like that get in the way of a- - Since I learned that's no' the right way to be.

Anyway, it's not as if she's God's gift, is it?

- [Anne] Ready when you are, Hamish.

(Anne sighs) (gentle bright music) - After you.

(Anne chuckles) (birds cooing) - Darling, you awake?

- [Major] Mm-hmm.

- I thought you might like something to eat.

Keep your strength up.

(Major groans) - Never felt stronger.

(chuckles) And it is all thanks to you, my love.

- (giggles) So you say, my darling, but there was that tiny wobble in Tenerife.

- I'm absolutely fine.

I feel like a young bull.

- (laughs) Nevertheless, I'd like you to see your own doctor.

- If it makes you happy, my love.

(Major puckering) (Serena laughs) How did you get on with Edie?

- You know, my darling, I think we'll have to talk about Edie, but only after you've eaten that and had your desert.

(gentle mid-tempo music) (car door handle clunking) (house door handle clicking) - I was wondering, Hamish, if we make any arrests while I'm here, where will you sleep then?

- Well, that's highly unlikely, Anne.

I run a tight ship here.

No one ever steps out of line in Lochdubh.

Ah, some of the locals.

Mr. and Mrs. Meldrum, Lachie McCrae, this is Constable Patterson, she's here for some training.

- [Lachie] We've met, I think.

(chuckles) - And you couldn't have come to a better place.

This man is a consummate policeman.

It would be a sad day for this village if ever he were taken from us.

- [Anne] I understand your sentiments entirely, Mr. Meldrum.

- You don't mind if I just check, Mr. Meldrum.

- [Mr. Meldrum] You go right ahead, Constable.

- Faulty tires can kill.

1.8.

Spot on.

- (gasps) Thank God for that, is all I can say.

You don't want to fall foul of that man, no siree!

- Must push on.

Constable Patterson?

- Oh.

(gentle mid-tempo music) - She is an absolute honey.

- [Agnes] And she's looking for more than training, I should say.

- You know, I've been thinking, Hamish is going to be at our mercy while she's here.

- What do you mean?

- Well, we're all members of the recently formed police community liaison committee, so I say we start to liaise.

- Who on earth is he?

- That's Rorrison Campbell.

The local grocer and volunteer lollipop man.

(bell ringing) - (laughs) Why is he dressed like that?

- Well, it was my idea, actually.

I thought it would make him a trifle more conspicuous than the old white coat and hat.

- Ah.

No driver could fail to notice him in that.

That's a wonderful idea, Hamish.

- Listen, Rory, sorry about the uniform, but it's very difficult to find a new and inspired slant on the old lollipop duty.

- No need to apologize, Esme's crazy about it.

She's got me wearing it at home.

(car horn honks) - [Hamish] Edie, the Major back?

- He's back and with a floozy in tow.

Some barfly that's latched on to him in Tenerife.

- What?

- I tell you, Hamish.

When I'd gone to the house, I found them doing some kind of devil dance.

Didn't know where to look.

- It'll be a holiday romance.

They never last.

- No, they're getting married, Rory.

What's gonna happen to me?

(car engine revs) - Thank you, Agnes.

- Who would have thought it, eh?

The Major of all people.

- (sighs) Maybe he's lonely, Barney.

- Aye, rattling about in that big house, can't be a lot of laughs.

But at least it's bound to be true love.

- What do you mean?

- Well, this dame, she can't be a gold digger, the Major's penniless.

- But does she know that?

- Och, but mean, you can't know for sure that she'll give you the heave.

- I don't like that woman, Lachlan, and she knows it.

(sighs) She'll give me the heave right enough.

And God knows that the Major doesn't pay much.

I need the money.

(sighs) What'll I do, Lachlan?

- Well, you could always get yourself a man.

Somebody to share life's burdens with you, you know?

- I've been on the shelf a long time, Lachlan.

- Ah, but you never know, Edie.

Where there's life, there's hope.

That's what I always say.

- Hamish, I would like you to meet my bride-to-be, Serena St. Clair.

- How do you do?

- I do very well, thank you.

(chuckles) Seriously, I'm really glad to meet you, Hamish.

Perry speaks very highly of you.

- Well, I hold Perry in high regard myself.

- (chuckles) Darling, why don't you and Hamish have a chat while I go and make us some coffee?

(Major murmurs) - Aye.

(clears throat) - Well, isn't she something?

- She's, uh, something all right, pal.

- We met at a ball in my hotel.

A night I'll never forget.

The band were playing Ravel's "Bolero."

I looked across the room and there she was.

Sort of become our tune, "Bolero."

(chuckles) - So you met her on holiday?

- Yes, yes.

She has a villa on the island.

- Her own?

- Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, she's a woman of some means, Hamish.

- Major.

Does Serena know about your financial situation?

I mean, you know, from the outside, the land, the house, a stranger could get the wrong impression.

- Hamish, when you're with a woman like Serena, you tend to forget your life of genteel penury.

And why?

Because it doesn't matter.

We are purely and simply in love.

- Yeah, but.

- What?

- But nothing, as long as you're happy.

- (laughs) Happy?

Hamish, I am ecstatic.

(laughs) I am reinvigorated, reinvented, reborn!

(laughing) Did I say about my legs?

- Your legs?

- Yes, now.

I have beautiful legs.

(Hamish laughs) I'm in my middle years, and I have the legs of an 18-year-old boy.

She saw it!

Now, isn't it amazing?

- Major, I just don't know how to respond to that really.

- Darling.

Coffee.

- Yes, coming darling!

Come on.

We both have something we would like to ask you.

- Good evening.

- Hi, there.

Evening all.

- Barney, get Hamish a pint.

So, have you been over there?

- Just back.

- What's she like?

(Hamish whistles) (men chuckle) (Agnes gasps) - Good for the Major.

- So, when's the big day, Hamish?

- Well, just as soon as the registrar I can fit them in, and I am to be best man.

- (tuts) Aw.

- So, it's gonna be a big do, is it?

- No, just a ceremony, Then Serena and the Major are gonna pop home for a quiet celebration.

Uh, Agnes, can I have a word?

Esme.

Right.

What it is, um, I was wondering if you could maybe help me a bit.

A wee problem.

You being women, I mean.

- Of course, Hamish.

- Good, right.

(clears throat) Do you know that WPC Patterson?

- [Agnes] She wants your body.

- How do you know that?

- I saw her looking, Hamish.

- Me too, and that is as bad a case of the hots as I have ever seen.

- So, what do you think I should do?

- You mean you don't know?

- No, - Well, you could speak to Professor Svensson over there.

- Good idea, he might have some educational books with illustrations and things.

- Show you how to go about it, Hamish.

- What bits go where, things like that.

- All right, I see, okay, so I come for a bit of help, and this is what I get, ridiculed.

I'm trying to show a bit of restraint here.

You know what I mean?

Trying not to take advantage of that young woman, a sister, ladies.

- We know you are, Hamish.

It's an admirable thing you're doing.

- So, we've had a word with John, and we've suggested something to him.

- Some people here are optimistic about the future, but many more are apprehensive and even fearful, raising yet again the whole question of land ownership in the Highlands.

Isobel Sutherland for The Highlands Today.

(VCR whirring) Owners of the Glendoran estate in a dozen years and despite repeated inquiries.

- Something of interest, Mr. McIver?

- Yes, the presenter, she's a local girl.

- Oh?

- She left to go into newspapers, and then came up north to do that?

- What to Lochdubh?

- No, no.

Inverness.

That's Hamish's tape, actually.

They were close, you know.

I think he's still carrying a torch for her.

- (laughs) I wouldn't be too sure about that.

- Eh?

- Well, Hamish is steeped in the ethos of the force.

A copper's copper.

(chuckles) The force feeds him, clothes him, even puts a roof over his head.

And people like Hamish, well, they tend to look to it to provide them with a partner also.

Which is probably why that relationship failed.

- Oh.

(chuckles) (Anne laughs) Oh, well, back to the drawing board then.

(jaunty downbeat music) (Anne moans) - [Hamish] Oh, please, God.

Give me the strength to be a good man.

Oh, please.

(toy tapping) - I would like to bring this meeting of the Police Community Liaison Committee to order, by formally welcoming WPC Patterson to Lochdubh.

- Here, here.

(all applauding) - Thank you very much.

Thank you.

- The agenda, Hamish.

- The what, what?

- The agenda, man.

- Ah, the old agenda.

- And you'll see that there is only the one item there, Hamish.

- Transport.

- What about transport?

- Well, whist we recognize the need for a Land Rover given the local terrain, Hamish.

- It nevertheless has the adverse effect of rendering you on occasion, remote from the community.

You just sort of whizz by if you see what I mean.

- Mm-hmm, do carry on.

- So, we thought, that is the Police Community Liaison Committee thought, that were you to vary your mode of transport, that might alleviate the problem.

- And what exactly did you have in mind?

- (gasping) Hamish, isn't it wonderful?

- Splendid.

(Anne laughing) Every single last one of you's a dead man.

- Oh, we must try it straight away, just to get the hang of it.

(giggles) - Oh, that's a good idea.

- You will of course be riding Lochdubh fashion, Hamish.

- Lochdubh?

- Ladies at the front, Hamish.

- They do say that Lochdubh's population explosion in the '30s, was not unconnected to the popularity of the tandem at the time.

- What can he mean?

(bicycle bell rings) (gentle mid-tempo music) - [Anne] Oh, Hamish, what scenery.

- Yeah.

- Would you like to stop for a while?

- No.

(bicycle bell rings) (car horn honks) - [Doc Brown] Hmm.

It seems okay there.

And you definitely have no history of blackouts, Major?

- No, none.

One minute I was sitting on the hotel balcony, and the next I was lying on the bathroom floor.

- What did the doctor in Tenerife say?

- Nothing.

Serena called and called.

The man just never came out.

When I seemed to make a full recovery, I just put it out of my mind.

- No nausea, nothing like that?

- No.

- Nothing like it since?

- Nothing.

- [Doc Brown] Hmm.

I think we should take a blood sample.

Have it looked at.

- Artichoke hearts, quail's eggs, caviar.

Veuve Clicquot and Bolly?

- Oh, yes.

Veuve is Perry's favorite bubbly, but I'm afraid I react terribly badly to it.

- Oh.

- Hmm.

Dreadful rash on every centimeter of my body.

- So, you'll be the Bolly person?

- That's right.

Slips down a perfect treat and no ill effects.

- Well, then it's Veuve and Bolly.

Half bottles?

- Of course.

I practice moderation in most things, Mr. Campbell.

- Oh.

- [Serena] Would tomorrow be too soon to pick this up?

- Tomorrow would be fine.

- Thank you.

- Edie.

- Rory.

(door slamming) - Rory, the Major can never afford all this.

- Maybe not, but she can.

And when they're married, what's hers is his right, and vice versa.

If I'm not mistaken, that was a Hermes scarf she was wearing.

She's not short of a bob or two.

- Good God, will she never go to sleep?

- She's got things on her mind, Hamish.

- Maybe she's gone to sleep with the light on.

- Oh, well, I'm not going in to put it out.

- Afraid of what you might accidentally see?

- Hey, there's nothing accidental about it, Lachlan.

She knows exactly what she's doing.

- [John] Hamish, look.

- Oh, thank God.

- Give her 37 minutes.

- 37 Minutes?

- Aye.

That's as long as Agnes has ever lasted.

And when she's in the mood, she got as much determination as any young policewoman.

- (exhales) Better make it 40 she is a younger woman.

- Right you are.

(gentle mid-tempo music) - You must have been late getting in last night, Hamish.

No trouble, I hope?

- No, no.

I was, um...

I was just, um- - At the Major's.

- At the Major's.

- Practicing to be best man.

- Practicing to be best man.

- You know, it says a great deal about you, Hamish, that such an important figure in the community should ask you to be his best man.

It just says so much.

(cereal crunching) - [Major] Ah, Edith.

- Yes.

- Edie.

- She sent you to do the dirty work, hasn't she?

- She is going to be my wife, Edith.

- I'll stay till you're married.

Is that all right, Major?

- Yes.

Oh, yes, yes, that would be fine.

I...

I am so very sorry.

(people chattering) - Have you enough sugar in your tea, Constable?

- Splendid, Mrs. Meldrum, splendid.

- Oh, and mine.

Thank you.

(chuckles) - (gasps) Professor, that you off?

- Yes, to home I must be going, I'm scared.

- No, "I'm afraid."

- You too?

(chuckles) - (laughs) Well, bon voyage.

- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, let me give you a hand.

- Thank you.

(Anne laughs) (door creaking) (birds cawing) (cases clattering) Thank you, young gentleman.

(car horn honks) - Hey.

- [Professor Svensson] Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

- Professor?

- [Professor Svensson] That is Lottie La Rue!

- No, I don't think so.

- Yeah!

I'm telling you, that is Lottie La Rue.

She was star woman in Swedish film, "Kiss of the Mantis," 1977.

(laughs) I've seen that film 1,000 times, yeah.

I'm telling you for sure that is Lottie La Rue!

And she has a butterfly on her bump.

- (laughs) Lottie La Rue?

- Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

One film and then gone.

Phew!

No more Lottie La Rue.

- What kind of film?

- (Laughs) No, not pornographic.

No, no.

But, ooh, very erotic, yes?

(chuckles) Aw.

Lottie La Rue.

(car door slamming) (car engine revving) (doors creaking) - Ah, Mr. McCrae.

Just the man.

- Hamish, if it's about the tandem.

- No, no.

It's about a film, Lachie.

I thought with you being a film buff you might be able to tell me how to get a hold of a film.

- Well, with a bit of luck you could sit down in front of my computer.

I have the wherewithal to punch up dialogue, storylines, scenes, the whole film, maybe.

- Amazing.

(lively string music) That's fantastic.

Do you mind if I just have a wee go?

- Aye, help yourself.

But why the sudden interest?

- Just checking on something, Lachie, something official.

- Oh, I'll leave you in peace then.

- Okay.

(computer mouse button clicks) (lively string music stops) (sultry jazz-swing music) (footsteps tapping) - Ah, Major, Major.

(gentle suspenseful music) (Serena humming) (water trickles) - I saw the butterfly, Hamish.

(ladder rattling) I saw the butterfly.

- What did I tell you.

Now, I have to get you home and into bed because you've got a very, very early start in the morning.

- But, isn't this a bit of a leap to make?

- Call it a copper's instinct.

- Oh.

(chuckles) (door clunking) - Where's Constable Patterson?

- Gone.

- Gone?

Where?

- I'm no' telling you.

Any of you.

Let's just say her duties elsewhere will take up a fair bit of her time here.

- Why won't you tell us?

- What, so some smart alec can contact her and bring her back?

No, thank you.

- Hello.

Hamish, Hamish!

- Major.

- Wonderful news.

The registrar called to say she'd just had a last-minute cancellation.

Serena and I can get married tomorrow.

- Oh, that's good news, Major.

- Thank you.

- I've seen your intended and you're a very lucky man.

- [Hamish] Well, you know what this means, Major, - What?

- It's your stag night.

- Damn me, so it is.

(sparse pensive music) ♪ I would say such wonderful things to you ♪ ♪ We would have such wonderful things to do ♪ ♪ If you were the only girl in the world ♪ ♪ And I was the only boy ♪ (all applauding) (all cheering) - (clears throat) Friends.

Dear friends.

Uh, a song encapsulating the wonderful evening in Tenerife when my bride-to-be, Serena and I first met.

(gentle piano music) ♪ Strangers in the night ♪ ♪ Exchanging glances ♪ ♪ Wandering in the night ♪ ♪ What were the chances ♪ ♪ We'd be getting love ♪ ♪ Before the night was through ♪ (somber music) - Edie, what's the story lass?

- I'm being let go.

Och, I don't blame the Major.

I doubt if he'll have a mind of his own from here on in.

No, this is her doing.

- Nil desperandum, Edie.

Nil desperandum.

Eh?

♪ Strangers in the night ♪ (all applauding) (all cheering) (sparse suspenseful music) - PLease, repeat after me.

I solemnly and sincerely declare that I, Serena St. Clair, accept you, Roderick Peregrine Maclean, as my lawful husband to the exclusion of all others.

- I solemnly and sincerely declare that I Serena St. Clair, accept you, Roderick Peregrine Maclean, as my lawful husband to the exclusion of all others.

- [Registrar] Let me be the first to congratulate you, Major and Mrs. Maclean.

- And thank you, my darling, for making me so very, very happy.

(couple laughing) Oh, a great, great day, Hamish, and I'm so glad you're here to share it.

- Pleasures mine, Major.

Pleasures mine.

Mrs. Maclean.

- Hamish.

- Ah-hah, ah-hah.

Well, I think I'll be taking my wife home now, Hamish.

- [Serena] (giggles) And where will you go?

- Hair of the dog, I think.

- Excuse me, Major, if you could just bear with me a while longer, there are some forms to be filled in.

(pen scraping) (phone ringing) (Anne sighs) - Where have you been?

We're all waiting for the news.

- [Hamish] What news?

They're married.

Probably on their way home by now.

- What news?

What news?

What was she wearing, Hamish?

- A frock, what do you think?

- Well, what kind of frock, for goodness sake?

- Was it white, cream, long, black, short?

What?

- You know, I never noticed.

- [Women] Typical bloody man.

- I was overcome by the emotion of it all!

(lively classical music) - I can't stand it any longer.

Macbeth, you'll have to tell us what you've done with that wee lassie.

- Nope!

- Damn you, man.

We'll all promise not to interfere.

- (sighing) Oh, you promise?

- Aye.

- We promise.

- Okay.

Right, you know, that language college in Inverness?

- Oh, I know it.

- Well, she's there, working night and day and far too late at night to come driving all the way back.

So, I got her digs, out of my own pocket I might add.

- What's she working at, Hamish?

- Well, she's looking at photographs in foreign newspapers.

Looking for a needle in a haystack.

Worse, a needle that isn't even in the haystack.

- Hamish, could you be a bit less opaque?

(lively classical music) - I discovered that the Major's wife had made a film, right?

A sort of low-budget Swedish thing about a woman who travels Europe and then marries moderately wealthy men, and then starts bumping them off.

(champagne corks popping) (both laughing) So, I asked Constable Patterson, "How does a woman like the lovely Serena "afford her kind of lifestyle, "when as far as we know she hasn't worked for 20 years?

"What if," I wondered out loud, "Serena had started to act out her part in real life?"

- What, marry men and bump them off for their money?

- [Hamish] Right, - So, she's scanning the papers for evidence of Serena's past crimes?

- [Hamish] Right again.

- She must be easily swayed if she bought that, Hamish.

- Well, I mean, she had her doubts, but I gave her the good copper's instinct line, you know?

(group laughing) - [Both] Mm.

- Oh, you take these through to the lounge, and I'll bring in the caviar.

- All right.

(both chuckling) But don't keep me waiting long, Mrs. Maclean.

- So, how did this woman get rid of her men, Hamish?

- Uh, electrocution, car crash, domestic accident.

Oh, see, the last one, the last one was particularly nasty.

She poisons the guys, right?

Poisons the guy on their wedding day.

Nasty.

- I don't buy it.

I mean, the poison would show up in the postmortem, wouldn't it, Doc?

- Fairly probably.

- No, no, no.

She poisons the guy, then dumps his body at the bottom of a lake for a year.

- Hmm, it might work.

There wouldn't be a lot left to do a PM on.

- Ah, but surely people would be suspicious?

A man disappearing on his wedding day.

- Well, prior to the wedding, she slips the guy a mickey.

He collapses, the doctor comes and establishes the fact that the guy is prone to blackouts, clever.

- The Major had a blackout in Tenerife.

He asked me to see him about it.

(sparse suspenseful music) - Come on, I just made the whole thing up to get rid of Anne.

- Who's on the bell here?

- Me, Daddy.

- Darling.

Darling, could you come in a minute?

Ah, darling, Edith's come to collect some things, and I thought you might like to say what we had agreed.

- Of course.

I hope there are no hard feelings, and that we can remain friends.

- Goodbye, Major.

I'll just get my things from the kitchen and be on my way.

- Well, I did try.

- Oh, of course, you did, darling.

Of course, you did.

- But what if the doctor carried out tests after the first blackout.

- The drug would show up, wouldn't it?

- Depends how long it was before the man went to see his doctor.

- Well, in the film, the woman only pretends to phone the doctor.

I mean the guy recovers, feels okay, wants to forget all about it.

- Uh, Hamish, according to the Major, Serena tried to telephone the doctor in Tenerife, but the man never showed up.

- What?

This is ridiculous you got me as paranoid as yourself.

- [Anne] Hamish!

- Anne.

- Hamish, I think you were right.

- Yeah?

- Look, it is her, isn't it?

- Well, I don't know.

It could be.

- [Anne] I got it from Le Monde, 1989.

With a different name, but the woman's husband was electrocuted accidentally.

(gentle dramatic music) (tense music) - Come on.

I am dying of thirst.

(Serena laughs) - Aw.

(chuckles) (engines whirring) - We've got to be wrong, surely?

- We'll soon know.

- Cheers, my love.

(glasses clinking) - Cheers, my darling.

- Mm.

(Major sighs) - Oh, wedding cake.

- Well, get it later.

- Mm.

I want it now.

(dramatic music) (Major exhales) (sparse suspenseful music) (vehicle engines rumbling) (car brakes screeching) (car engine revving) Any minute now, Mr. Maclean.

(tense music) Any minute now.

(suspenseful music) (vehicle engines rumbling) - Serena, we have visitors!

- Stop!

(group yelling) Major!

Major, don't drink that!

- [Major] What?

What's going on?

- We think it's poison, Major.

- Where's your wife?

- She's in the kitchen.

- [Barney] Come on, Lachlan.

(men chattering) - [Major] Hamish!

(suspenseful music continues) (car tires scraping) (gentle solemn music) - She's dead, Hamish.

- What?

Serena.

- Steady, Major.

Now, steady.

- (gasps) Will somebody tell me what is going on here?

- We think she was trying to poison you, Major, and that she's murdered others.

- Here, let me through.

Let me through here.

Let me... Oh, my God.

What have I done?

- What have you done?

- I only wanted to give her a rash.

Just a rash for her allergy.

- Wait a minute.

Just take it easy.

Tell us what happened.

- It was to be my parting shot, Hamish.

I'd steam some labels off empty champagne bottles, I didn't think I'd get a chance, but when I came in here' and saw the bottles in the ice bucket, I stuck the old labels on them.

I stuck the Veuve label on the Bolly, and the Bolly label on the Veuve.

- So, the Major drank the Bolly thinking it was the Veuve?

- And she drank the Veuve thinking it was the Bolly.

- She drank her own poison, Major.

You're a very lucky man.

- What kind of person would?

- Oh, Major.

Now, just you come with me.

Come away, Major.

This way.

Come on over.

- Aye.

- Stay with her, Doctor.

- Sure, Hamish.

- (sighs) Poor man.

- He'll get over it.

(chuckles) - 'Course, there is an upside to all of this.

- What's that?

- Well, she was the Major's legal wife, so everything she's got is his.

- You mean like yon villa in Tenerife?

(somber music) We'd better start looking out the sunblock then.

Mm-hmm.

- [Anne] (sighs) Just came to say goodbye.

- Okay.

(Anne laughs) - Oh, can I ask you something?

- [Hamish] Mm-hmm.

- Why did you let me take full credit for this?

- Well, I told you.

You give me a glowing report, and I'll make you the most famous rookie of all time.

- (laughs) Yes, Oh, look, please, it's not that.

Is it?

(birds cawing) - No.

You see, I want to be here, Anne.

And to do that I have to keep a low profile.

- I see.

(laughs) Well, thanks for telling me.

(laughs) You know, I think I like the real you, even better than the person you pretended to be.

Goodbye.

(chuckles) - Yeah.

(door clunking) (Hamish gulps) (Hamish sighs) (upbeat folk music)